thank you so much..

finally, you did something right. thank you so much form the bottom of my heart for giving a reason to finally let go. somehow i was right, i should see you in person for the last time, so that i can realize that i don't need someone like you.

what you did to me today was the worst thing you ever did to me. if you really care about me, or what i feel, you will never do that. what you did is unforgivable. you hurt me so much, i thought that everything is just for fun, that we'll be doing something that both of us wanted, but then, you wanted to do something to me that would hurt me, and you succeeded because you did it without my permission, without me having any knowledge of what you just did. you thought that whatever you do to me is just fine, that i'll just go along with you because i love you, well not anymore, i hope you know that what you did made me realize how unworthy you are of my respect and love and loyalty.

whatever that has happened today, i want to thank you. you opened my eyes to the reality that you really don't love nor respect. you only see me as an experimentation. you only see me as a substitute for your body itch. maybe for awhile i went along with that, i let things happen because i wanted them all, and because at the back of my mind, i'm doing it because i love you, but now, thank you for making me feel so small and so unworthy. now i realized that you are not worthy either.

i hope you don't do that to your girl. never make her feel, the way you made me feel. nobody ever deserves what you did. maybe others do that kind of stuff, but they are aware. i wasn't aware, and even if i am, you should have been so gentle about it. but you we're so inconsiderate, so unmanly. and i am beginning to hate, because you made me feel so cheap. and somehow i let you do that to me. i was so f**ing blind to even realize that you don't really care. i am so hurt.yet i cant bring myself to tears, because you are unworthy of my tears.


hopefully someday everything will change, i hope you will change. i know it will be easy for me to let go of you, finally. thanks for the reality check. thanks for making me feel so cheap. i could have loved you forever, i know i could. but now, i wont. maybe someday i'll try again, someday when you know my worth..


thank you....A**hole...

no happy ending...

i can truly say that everything that I've hoped for has ended. there is no hope that what i want will be mine. it hurts so much to think that after everything I've done, still i ended up with nothing. the pain is so cliche. the disappointment no longer disappoints me. somehow i knew this is how it will end. i hate myself for even trying to change everything. i hate myself for trying to win him back. i am not what he wants, i will never be what he wants.


i wanted to hate you for what you did to me, for what you made me feel when we were together, i thought that what we had was something to look forward to, something that i can possess for the rest of my life. why did it have to end? why cant you just love me? i want to be angry at you for making me happy, i want to hate you for letting me love you, all over again. i wanted to scream at you, and blame you for this pain i'm feeling deep inside me.. you don't know how much it hurts, you don't know how much i want to cry just thinking of you.



and now that everything has come to end. somehow i haven't awakened from this nightmare. i cant seem to teach my heart not to love you anymore. i don't know if i'm still waiting for the day that you will love me. no matter how impossible it is. i just don't know what i want anymore. i wanted you so badly. i wanted to be with you. i want to feel you near me. i want to be the only one who's loving you. why did you let me fall? why did this has to happen? i once tried living without you, i thought i succeeded, and now i have to do it all over again, i don't know if i can.







my whole life is broken.

i try...

Games, changes and fears 
When will they go from here 
When will they stop 
I believe that fate has brought us here 
And we should be together 
But we're not 
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you 
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin. 

I try to say goodbye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 
Goodbye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it, it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 

I may appear to be free 
But I'm just a prisoner of your love 
I may seem alright and smile when you leave 
But my smiles are just a front 
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you 
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin. 

I try to say goodbye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 

Here is my confession 
May I be your possesion 
Boy I need your touch 
Your love kisses and such 
With all my might I try 
But this I can't deny 
I play it off but im dreamin of you 
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin 
I try to say good bye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 








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this song is clearly what my heart feels, right at this moment. no matter how i try to say goodbye to him, no matter how many times i try to walk away from, i always find myself going back. it's insane, this habit that i have.  i get crazy just thinking about it. i dont know what kind of spell u got me under, but im telling u, it's too strong. evryday i find myself get weaker and weaker, esp when i havent heard from u at all.. im starting to wonder, when will you need me again? im starting to hate you, but again, i wonder, do i even have to guts to hate someone i love?


i am praying that one of these days, you will remember me, everything that we did together.. everything that i did for you. i am willing to do it all again, just to make you happy, because you're happiness means so much, esp when you are happy with me. i miss you..so much, it hurts...and you're the only cure..

try sleeping with a broken heart :c

..everyday is a  living struggle. sometimes i dont know how long i can keep up. im feeling so much pain, loneliness, heartache and disappointment. everynight, i go to sleep with a heavy heart, knowing that the next day will give me the same hurtful feelings.

i know i will never be happy if i keep on waiting for him look my way. i know he cant be with me.. maybe in another universe, or in another lifetime. i dont know when. all i know is i want to be with him, but it is impossible. we can never be. the idea of us together is improbable, it's out of the question, a far-fetched idea, a seemingly simple request, yet unachievable. No, it is not possible, yet here i am,,waiting. for what? for his free times that he can spend with me, those times that he is not with his girlfriend. those times when he can be with me and me only. i love those moments with him, no matter how seldom they are, no matter how stolen they are. i cherish those times him, because i know one day, it will all be over.

i dont know til when i can keep this stupidity. i dont even know if i want this to end. i just miss those days when i use to call him MINE, and know that he is really MINE. but now, his not mine, not anymore.

no air..

i thought it's not possible for me to feel this way, and yet, this is how i feel whenever you're out of reach. at times i thought i could go on without you, but most of the time, I'm hoping that I don't have to live a day without you. many times, I've explained to my self that this isn't right, that i should just turn away from you,yet just the thought of losing you altogether sucks the life out of me. I've tried to get away, one time i even convinced myself that i am better off without you,but the convincing wasn't good enough, because i am here again.

i am not okay, i don't want to be just another girl. i want to be your only girl. i know its not even close to being possible.it is too far from the reality. i even think that you're no longer capable of loving me. To you, i'm just some girl who fell so in love, you don't even recognize the pain that i am feeling, every time you take my breath away. I've been under your spell for too long, i know you;re not even asking me to love you, it's not your fault that i am hurting, i made my choice when i chose to love you endlessly.

you're the only one who can make me feel like this. nobody has ever surpassed your majesty. i would have given everything to erase the memories of you, but i keep on forgetting to forget about you...

inconvenience

i have chosen this path that i am now taking... i have been given an opportunity to change directions.. and yet i chose the same road that will lead me to my so called "happiness". this is my decision. and i will show my conviction to what i wanted.. i may be an inconvenience to him, an inconvenience to his life, but can you blame me for wanting what is already possessed by others? i know you can. go ahead and point your finger at me, and say that i am definitely an inconvenience. well, i love being one, i love the feeling of realizing how great his effort is for me to remain his own inconvenience. only a few people will understand me, those who are going through the same phase as i am, those you cant let go of someone who had been lost in their lives for a long time. i know it doesn't make any sense, i know it's a sin. yet this is the greatest sin i have ever done in my life...

i know there's no assurance that he will love, no proof that he will need me in the end. but, for as long as he wants me right here where i am, then i guess i'll just have to take a chance and see where this leads me. if there's one thing i know is true, that is my undying love for him,, he may not love me at all, he might just be playing me for a fool, but as i said, i'll take my chance.

may be someday he wont need me as an inconvenience anymore, but someone whom he will love the way he's been loving her faithfully...

-just a wishful thinking.. *sigh*