A Letter..

Dear You,

I wish I could make you understand everything.  I wish I know that right things to say so I can make you see my point. The point is, I love you. It really doesn't matter if you don't feel the same way, or what you feel for me is not enough. None of them matters to me. All that matters is that I love you and you accept the love I have to give. Please don't push me away. Coz I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay where I am and continue doing what I do best, and that is to love you. So please just allow me to love you. I don't care about anything. I just love you. But, if you think that I have no place in your heart, or that you will never learn to love me, then just say so. I would understand. Don't underestimate me. i can handle anything. Just tell me if you want me to let go. But don't base this on the amount of love or time you can give, because they don't matter. You know that I love you, what I want to know is, do you want me to continue loving you? I just want to be with you. If only you would let me in.If only you would need me too. I can help you with anything. Why would you think that this would end? It hasn't even begun. Can't we atleast try? We can make this work. I know we can. I can wait. I can wait until you're ready. Please don't give me any reason not to love you. Whatever they are, I simply don't care.

I'll be here for you. This I can promise you. It doesn't matter what we are. It doesn't matter what we have. I'm here for you, and it's all that matters. I hope in time you'll realize that and accept it. I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait. Fervently. Because I love you.

Que Sera Sera

Every time I think about us, I can't help but also think, how long are we going to last? No matter how much I want to keep you with me, I know that I can't. If we think about it, I don't really own you, which means I can't force you to stay with me forever. I know you're not scared of losing me, I am one of those few people that you can live without. I am not the one you would want to stay with you. We are good together, so long as nobody else knows, but once the secret's out, well, I am good as gone. I don't mind being the loosed string, the one you can cut off once the tides get rough. My situation is understandable, I know my place, I know my limits. Sometimes, I forget the reality, especially when you're with me, I act as though I'm the only one for you, but then reality checks back in, tapping me in the back, reminding me to back off from you just a little bit. But I can't back off, I can't will myself not to love you, I can't force my heart to feel otherwise. I think it is too late for that. I have allowed myself to love you completely. Yes, it's hard, it's complicated, but what can I do? Should I give you up? I really don't think I can, even if I want to.

I know time will come that you would have to give me up, that you would have to let go. I get teary-eyed just by the thought of losing you, but sacrifices are made in order to make your loved ones happy, and if letting you go is the only solution, then I won't have to think twice. I know that I'm not part of your options. Or maybe I am, but I know you will never choose me. You will never choose to be with me. I keep repeating this to myself so when the time comes, it won't hurt so much.

I wonder what will happen once you leave..I've been preparing for that moment ever since I chose to love you. I've been dreading the moment you would have to finally cut the cord, and let me go. It hurts just thinking about it, but I have to prepare my heart for this, there's no other way. I know you will never be with me forever. I just know it. But it's okay. I really don't mind, and even if I do, it's not like I have a choice. I love you this much, even if it means hurting myself twice as much.

This is my resolution: I love you, and I will keep on loving you until the day you would have to let me go. For now, what's important is that I love you, it's the only thing I am sure of, I maybe uncertain about our future, but I never really doubted how I feel. So for now, I love you, and I love 'us'.  Que Sera Sera...

I Will Always Stay In Love With You...

It was truly amazing how everything worked out for us. Back then, there was just me and there was just you. We are two different people, existing on the same universe, on the same space; possibly breathing the same air, we were just acquaintances, not even close to being friends. We barely recognize each other. We barely speak, or meet eyes. We have lived this way for months... And now here we are. Here is 'us'; together.

I remember the first time I liked you, I was merely looking at what I see on the outside; those eyes, your smile, your laugh, your smell, oh, how I love your smell. Every movement you make is intoxicating, i was mildly addicted.just mildly. Back then, I never really wanted you that badly. I knew then that you have everything going for you, you have an almost perfect life. My goal was to be friends with you, or not to be friends, I never really had any clear intentions towards you, because I never really needed you. To me, you're just someone I admire. and that's it..Funny how things change through time...

Look where time has taken me..I am in this unknown place, an untouched premise. Is this my heart? My heart is calling out to you..and you actually looked back. You recognized how I feel for you. You accepted everything about me..You..wanted me. And i wanted you so much I can't seem to stop wanting you, and I never wanted to stop.

How did you ever fall for me? Why are you with me? Are you for real? Am i dreaming? Questions...thousands of them, and they are all left unanswered. And yet I don't need answers. I only need you. And I need 'us'.


I've had mixed emotions for months, I'm confused yet I know what I want. But I'm afraid to get what I want. I wanted you.I've never wanted anybody else. But still I was afraid to have you, coz I might lose you, and lose my heart altogether. Then you told me to take a leap of faith, to believe in you, and believe in 'us'.. and now I am a believer.

I was afraid of everything else, but I was never afraid to love you. It's the only thing I am good at, loving you.
And I will keep on loving you for as long as you allow me to.

I know that everything seems complicated, especially for you; and I truly understand. I'm not asking you for anything, I'm not expecting you to do anything for me. Just let me love you, and that is enough for me. I have accepted everything about you, the moment I have decided to love you. I am here to understand and not to demand, because I don't want to be an inconvenience to you.

I don't know who to thank most, You or God. Well. I thank God for giving me someone like you. And I thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. I thank you for letting me love you. And I am prepared to love you forever.

I never knew that dreams or wishes actually come true, but they really do, coz you are my dream come true. I am lucky to have you, no, I am BLESSED to have you..and now there's nothing more I want but to keep on loving you. Being loved by you is just a consolation, loving you is the Ultimate Price.

I am never really afraid of losing you, only God knows how far we will go. But I am not afraid. I will love you til you allow me to and until God allows me to. And if I ever lose you one day, I will never regret loving you. But I can't lose you for now. Nope. No way.. For now, you're stuck with me.

Thank you, my love for coming into my life just when I needed you most. Thank you for giving me all the time that you can spare for me, and thank you for making me happy. You are my happiness. You are my love.
Thank you for being my friend, my brother, my twin. I have finally found my soulmate, my true love.

I LOVE YOU..

it's sad to see you smile.

whenever i see a photo of you smiling, and having fun, instead of being happy for you, i feel sad. knowing that even without me, you are still happy. i wish i was more like you. carefree,no worries of yesterday, just happy.
and every photo of your smile, it hurts me so much because i know you can go on with your life even without.

i really thought that you would want to continue what we have, but i realized, you dont want me to be a part of your life anymore. you dont want be to be an inconvenience anymore. you led me to believe that we can work things out, that we can still communicate or even see each other. but they're just empty words, empty promises.

i can really feel that you are happy, with your life, with your girl, with your work. and i know that i dont have a place in your life anymore. sometimes i want to regret having to meet you again. i was fine when you were not a part of me, and now, i am back to wanting you. i am back to this place i call my Ultimate Pain.

i dont know what kind of power you have over me. i dont know what you have that makes me want to hold on to your memories. all i know is that i am stuck. i wish you gave me a proper closure. a one-liner saying that you dont want me anymore. i wish you'd just stop getting my hopes up. i wish you'd just stop pretending that you still care. because i know you dont. but i really wish you could say that to me. i wish you could make me realize that i dont really need you.

i wanna hate you, but i cant. coz deep inside, i know i still love you.......................................................

i miss you..

i wish there are better words to let you know how i truly feel. i want to be angry at you, i want to say things that can make you angry.and yet, all i can say right now is I MISS YOU.

last night, i had a dream that i was with you. we were actually together, in the same bed, lying so peacefully and contentedly. i can honestly say that you were happy to be with me. but that was only a dream. if only i didn't have to wake up.

i remember those nights that we shared; when you'd put your arms around me, it's like you're scared of losing me while you're sleeping..but you know,i was more scared, because i know, when the morning comes, everything will be over. we both know that it has to end, i just can't convince myself to accept that.

i remember the way you held my hand, its like you were dreaming. its like, you cant believe that i was actually there beside you. i so remember you're reaction. you were tensed, but i saw you smiling too. oh, i just miss your smile, its like they always mean something, its like  you were really happy; but only that time.

i remember the way you hugged me.so tight and so real. i can feel your heart beating.its like you were nervous to be with me.


i remember a lot of things that we shared. but i also remembered that i can't be with you. as much as i would want to, i remember that we can't be together. i remember the pain that it has caused me.

somehow, i just want to remember how to forget about you. that's the only thing i seem to forget. can you help me remember how to forget about you??

Dear Lord,

i am writing this to make a simple request. i know i have asked a lot of things from you, but right now, all i really wanted is a brand new heart. a heart that is stronger, a heart that can withstand all the pain and hurting and all the cruelty of the world. most especially, i want a heart without HIM in it.

Lord, if you cant give me a new heart, can you please just help me forget? help me forget this person who continues to break my heart. help me forget him and all the things we did. i am not asking for too much, i just want him out of my life, but right now, i cant do it alone, so i am asking for your help.

i don't want to question you on why things happened. i know i could have avoided them so as not to get hurt. i chose this path and now i am suffering, but please Lord, lead me back to the right path, lead me to the path where i will never find him again. no matter how painful it would be for me to forget him; i just want to start living my life without him, without any thoughts of him.

I know you can help me, and i promise you, i'll try to help myself as well. can you give me as sign that it is really not meant to be? i know i am being stubborn because you've been giving me signs before, but my heart cant really move on. my mind is so tired of thinking of him, yet my heart never gets tired of getting hurt. that is why i am asking you for a better heart.

Lord, i feel so lost everyday. i don't know why i feel this way. i feel like he's the only one who can make me happy, but i know that it's not true. i made him the center of my happiness and now i am suffering because of him. i really don't know why i love him so much, after everything he did to me. there are reasons, right? or am i just being stupid?

Lord, help me forget. get him out of my heart before i fall apart. that is only my request and hopefully things will be better for me...


thank you Lord..

goodbye to you..

i dont know how many times I've tried saying this to you. i don't know how many times I've convince myself to utter these words.. i am really trying to forget you, hopefully everything about you. but i cant bring myself to think that i'll wake up one day without any memory of you. i miss being your inconvenience, it felt like we were together for so long, yet we can count on our fingers how many times we've seen each other. i remember seeing you again for the first time after 2 years, you were a breath of fresh air, and you're the kind of air i would want to breathe every waking moment of my life. when i saw you again, all our memories came back to me as if they were just yesterday. and then the second time we met, when you held my hand so tight; i felt like i would melt. i felt like my hands perfectly fit to yours. i could have stayed on that moment forever. i could have stayed with you forever. just the nearness of you melts my heart. i really thought we could go on forever as secret FWB (friends w/ benefits). i was expecting we'll stay like that forever. but no, it can't be. i realized that we still have to go back to our normal lives, our lives without each other. it is easier for you, i know. you never really expected the things i expected. you never really wanted the things i wanted. i wanted you, but you never wanted me. RIGHT?




i don't know when i'll be able to say goodbye to you and at the same time know that i can finally move on. after all these years, i found out, that i will never be over you. which means moving on  will never be an option for me. but i am really hoping to wake up one day, and know that i don't love you anymore. right now, if i ever do say goodbye to you, i know that i will keep on thinking of you, wanting you, hoping to see you. i hope one day, i'll get tired of waiting for you. i know i'm not supposed to wait, you never asked me to wait, but i'll be waiting still. maybe, just maybe.




..i love you, you know.,
it's hurting me to let you go..


i really really love you.... :'c

thank you so much..

finally, you did something right. thank you so much form the bottom of my heart for giving a reason to finally let go. somehow i was right, i should see you in person for the last time, so that i can realize that i don't need someone like you.

what you did to me today was the worst thing you ever did to me. if you really care about me, or what i feel, you will never do that. what you did is unforgivable. you hurt me so much, i thought that everything is just for fun, that we'll be doing something that both of us wanted, but then, you wanted to do something to me that would hurt me, and you succeeded because you did it without my permission, without me having any knowledge of what you just did. you thought that whatever you do to me is just fine, that i'll just go along with you because i love you, well not anymore, i hope you know that what you did made me realize how unworthy you are of my respect and love and loyalty.

whatever that has happened today, i want to thank you. you opened my eyes to the reality that you really don't love nor respect. you only see me as an experimentation. you only see me as a substitute for your body itch. maybe for awhile i went along with that, i let things happen because i wanted them all, and because at the back of my mind, i'm doing it because i love you, but now, thank you for making me feel so small and so unworthy. now i realized that you are not worthy either.

i hope you don't do that to your girl. never make her feel, the way you made me feel. nobody ever deserves what you did. maybe others do that kind of stuff, but they are aware. i wasn't aware, and even if i am, you should have been so gentle about it. but you we're so inconsiderate, so unmanly. and i am beginning to hate, because you made me feel so cheap. and somehow i let you do that to me. i was so f**ing blind to even realize that you don't really care. i am so hurt.yet i cant bring myself to tears, because you are unworthy of my tears.


hopefully someday everything will change, i hope you will change. i know it will be easy for me to let go of you, finally. thanks for the reality check. thanks for making me feel so cheap. i could have loved you forever, i know i could. but now, i wont. maybe someday i'll try again, someday when you know my worth..


thank you....A**hole...

no happy ending...

i can truly say that everything that I've hoped for has ended. there is no hope that what i want will be mine. it hurts so much to think that after everything I've done, still i ended up with nothing. the pain is so cliche. the disappointment no longer disappoints me. somehow i knew this is how it will end. i hate myself for even trying to change everything. i hate myself for trying to win him back. i am not what he wants, i will never be what he wants.


i wanted to hate you for what you did to me, for what you made me feel when we were together, i thought that what we had was something to look forward to, something that i can possess for the rest of my life. why did it have to end? why cant you just love me? i want to be angry at you for making me happy, i want to hate you for letting me love you, all over again. i wanted to scream at you, and blame you for this pain i'm feeling deep inside me.. you don't know how much it hurts, you don't know how much i want to cry just thinking of you.



and now that everything has come to end. somehow i haven't awakened from this nightmare. i cant seem to teach my heart not to love you anymore. i don't know if i'm still waiting for the day that you will love me. no matter how impossible it is. i just don't know what i want anymore. i wanted you so badly. i wanted to be with you. i want to feel you near me. i want to be the only one who's loving you. why did you let me fall? why did this has to happen? i once tried living without you, i thought i succeeded, and now i have to do it all over again, i don't know if i can.







my whole life is broken.

i try...

Games, changes and fears 
When will they go from here 
When will they stop 
I believe that fate has brought us here 
And we should be together 
But we're not 
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you 
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin. 

I try to say goodbye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 
Goodbye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it, it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 

I may appear to be free 
But I'm just a prisoner of your love 
I may seem alright and smile when you leave 
But my smiles are just a front 
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you 
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin. 

I try to say goodbye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 

Here is my confession 
May I be your possesion 
Boy I need your touch 
Your love kisses and such 
With all my might I try 
But this I can't deny 
I play it off but im dreamin of you 
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin 
I try to say good bye and I choke 
I try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it it's clear 
My world crumbles when you are not near 








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this song is clearly what my heart feels, right at this moment. no matter how i try to say goodbye to him, no matter how many times i try to walk away from, i always find myself going back. it's insane, this habit that i have.  i get crazy just thinking about it. i dont know what kind of spell u got me under, but im telling u, it's too strong. evryday i find myself get weaker and weaker, esp when i havent heard from u at all.. im starting to wonder, when will you need me again? im starting to hate you, but again, i wonder, do i even have to guts to hate someone i love?


i am praying that one of these days, you will remember me, everything that we did together.. everything that i did for you. i am willing to do it all again, just to make you happy, because you're happiness means so much, esp when you are happy with me. i miss you..so much, it hurts...and you're the only cure..

try sleeping with a broken heart :c

..everyday is a  living struggle. sometimes i dont know how long i can keep up. im feeling so much pain, loneliness, heartache and disappointment. everynight, i go to sleep with a heavy heart, knowing that the next day will give me the same hurtful feelings.

i know i will never be happy if i keep on waiting for him look my way. i know he cant be with me.. maybe in another universe, or in another lifetime. i dont know when. all i know is i want to be with him, but it is impossible. we can never be. the idea of us together is improbable, it's out of the question, a far-fetched idea, a seemingly simple request, yet unachievable. No, it is not possible, yet here i am,,waiting. for what? for his free times that he can spend with me, those times that he is not with his girlfriend. those times when he can be with me and me only. i love those moments with him, no matter how seldom they are, no matter how stolen they are. i cherish those times him, because i know one day, it will all be over.

i dont know til when i can keep this stupidity. i dont even know if i want this to end. i just miss those days when i use to call him MINE, and know that he is really MINE. but now, his not mine, not anymore.

no air..

i thought it's not possible for me to feel this way, and yet, this is how i feel whenever you're out of reach. at times i thought i could go on without you, but most of the time, I'm hoping that I don't have to live a day without you. many times, I've explained to my self that this isn't right, that i should just turn away from you,yet just the thought of losing you altogether sucks the life out of me. I've tried to get away, one time i even convinced myself that i am better off without you,but the convincing wasn't good enough, because i am here again.

i am not okay, i don't want to be just another girl. i want to be your only girl. i know its not even close to being possible.it is too far from the reality. i even think that you're no longer capable of loving me. To you, i'm just some girl who fell so in love, you don't even recognize the pain that i am feeling, every time you take my breath away. I've been under your spell for too long, i know you;re not even asking me to love you, it's not your fault that i am hurting, i made my choice when i chose to love you endlessly.

you're the only one who can make me feel like this. nobody has ever surpassed your majesty. i would have given everything to erase the memories of you, but i keep on forgetting to forget about you...

inconvenience

i have chosen this path that i am now taking... i have been given an opportunity to change directions.. and yet i chose the same road that will lead me to my so called "happiness". this is my decision. and i will show my conviction to what i wanted.. i may be an inconvenience to him, an inconvenience to his life, but can you blame me for wanting what is already possessed by others? i know you can. go ahead and point your finger at me, and say that i am definitely an inconvenience. well, i love being one, i love the feeling of realizing how great his effort is for me to remain his own inconvenience. only a few people will understand me, those who are going through the same phase as i am, those you cant let go of someone who had been lost in their lives for a long time. i know it doesn't make any sense, i know it's a sin. yet this is the greatest sin i have ever done in my life...

i know there's no assurance that he will love, no proof that he will need me in the end. but, for as long as he wants me right here where i am, then i guess i'll just have to take a chance and see where this leads me. if there's one thing i know is true, that is my undying love for him,, he may not love me at all, he might just be playing me for a fool, but as i said, i'll take my chance.

may be someday he wont need me as an inconvenience anymore, but someone whom he will love the way he's been loving her faithfully...

-just a wishful thinking.. *sigh*